I tend to reveal a lot about myself in my writing. Even though as a therapist, showing oneself is tricky, I made a conscious choice to do this because I knew that is how we remove stigma and heal shame. If I reveal an experience that someone else identifies with and has shame around, they […]
Post updated June 6th, 2020 What is the definition of gratitude? Gratitude is the emotion of being thankful. If we are thankful, we appreciate and are in connection with the thing we are grateful for. This can be something outside ourselves, like the amazing redwoods in the picture above. Or it can be for an […]
I remember years ago how my father and the four of us children would go walking up the hill into the woods to look for a Christmas tree. It was a somewhat magical time – one of those special times when we had fun with our father. The trees would be beautiful, brown branches, dark […]
I have a good friend who I deeply admire. She is kind, thoughtful, considerate and sensitive. She cares about the world and is involved in her community. She is the kind of person any of us would want for a parent, a friend or a partner. She had one of the few long-term marriages that […]
A friend once told me that she was not creative. I remember the moment clearly, because I did a double take and started to try to convince her of her error in perception immediately. How could she believe that about herself? And recently, with a client, I had some ‘soul collage cards’ that I had […]
Over the years of working both as a therapist and a couples’ therapist I have come to believe that something more is needed to help all of us with our relationships. Many of us just don’t have the skills we need. Therapy has limitations due to its cost, and many therapists, though effective with individuals, don’t have the specialized training needed to be effective when working with couples. The time constraints of people’s busy lives, and the stigma that therapy has for some also inhibit people seeking help.
Recently I have had both clients and friends asking the question: “How do you know when it is time to leave a relationship?” It’s a great question, but one that is hard to answer. It is one that I have struggled to answer at various points in my own life for both friends and myself. […]
I had a hard few days, which in this case for me means that I was in workaholic mode, feeling frustrated and somewhat overwhelmed and being unrealistic about what I could and could not get done. I was pushing myself around ‘doing’ and not accepting the ‘being’ aspect of life. Luckily, a friend stopped over […]
Emotional Release is an important part of our lives. I can think of a couple where one member has decided that emotions are bad. He has stuffed his down deep into himself and, instead, blames his wife for her feelings. Her feelings are valid. She wants more closeness and connection. This leaves her no place […]
Emotions are intense. They rock us. We have to deal with them. Someone says something the wrong way, or we are in a difficult situation and all of a sudden we might find ourselves in a fury, or in deep grief, or perhaps an awful sense of embarrassment and shame as if we are ‘bad’.
When we are in these feeling places we usually don’t have any perspective or not much.
Working with couples effectively means you understand the three dimensions of our relationships: Attachment, emotions and cycles. Learn about what needs to be focused on to do effective couples work, or to work on your own relationship.
Can you set a boundary (say no) to somebody when you are not angry? Often, we can set a boundary if we are angry, but cannot if we are not angry.
Lets look at couple therapy, which is a pretty complex process. As a client in couples therapy, we must learn enough about ourselves (among other things) so that we can untangle a bunch of behavior that simply does not get us what we want: an accessible and responsive relationship. We supply the courage and tenacity on the road to mastery of this challenge, but we need more than motivation, creativity and desire for this purpose. We also need a map.
This past week, some very specific events brought up a lot of pain and grief for me. The first event was when I read an article about a 17-month old boy who was beaten to death. The perpetrator stated “I didn’t hit him that hard.” Later in the week, I saw the Time magazine cover […]
An Interview With Psychotherapist Jennifer Lehr, MFT – interviewed by Jaleh Weber 8/15/2010 Tell me a little bit about yourself. I am a marriage and family therapist. I specialize in working with couples and also work with individuals around self-empowerment. Why do some people have a low level of self-confidence? I believe that if we […]
Sometimes we stand at the foot of a task and get stuck because we are telling ourselves that we shouldn’t have to do this thing. The task is there. There is no way around it. We have a choice. Our choice is to sit there, stuck, or to tackle the task. This is a choice […]
What happens when we have a dream, but fail at it? We become failed heroes, initiates who do not pass the test. Culturally, marriage is one of those precarious paths that many embark upon, but not so many navigate successfully. And yet relationships and the experience of love are so important.
The other day, I heard enlightenment defined as a radical change in perspective. What is enlightenment? Why would we want it? Is it not to gain deep revelation or insight into the meaning and purpose of things, to be removed from our everyday perspectives that cause us so much angst and pain? I not only […]
(Permission by client granted; names and details changed.) Jill is a single and successful 34-year old female of mixed heritage who had been traumatized by being in a relationship with Greg, an alcoholic. Jill wants to regain the self-respect that was destroyed by being in a relationship with an active alcoholic. She wants to be […]
SHORT TERM MARRIAGE COUNSELING: FROM DRINKING AND CONROLLING TO INTIMACY AND CONNECTION (Permission by client granted; names and details changed.) Jane, an attractive 48-year old and her husband of 9 years, Nick, 52, came into therapy because they wanted help to stop fighting so much, and they wanted to regain the joy that they once […]