Can you set a boundary (say no) to somebody when you are not angry? Often, we can set a boundary if we are angry, but cannot if we are not angry. We use anger to assist us because saying no isn’t so easy (for some of us). Saying no when we are so mad we don’t care isn’t so hard. Caring and saying no at the same time is more difficult. The other person might get mad, their feelings could get hurt, or they might reject us. To set a non-angry boundary, we have to be willing to have the other be mad at us or have whatever reaction they have. We have to take the position that something is not acceptable to us and we simply are not going to allow it. Can you say no without being angry? If you can’t, is it because your safety is endangered? If that is the case, why are you in this relationship? (And get help.) If that is not the case, you have some work to do around your fear of the other’s reactions. What are you afraid of? Why? What part of yourself needs support so that you can overcome this fear?