Relationship help

The Journey of Improving Our Relationships

How does having a significant illness relate to being in a relationship that doesn’t work? How do we take that understanding and apply it to improve our relationships? How do we reach our relationship goals?

In 2016, when I was struggling with Lyme disease, in desperation, I went to an alternative treatment center. The treatments included shots, IV’s and fevers which could get out of control, body temperatures moving to unsafe levels. The needles pushing through tender skin, hurting despite the icing of the area previously. The weight of the IV needle in the vein hindering easy movement. There was no way to escape the discomfort of the treatments that went on from morning into the night for several months or the exhaustion from both the illness and the remedy. I found the treatment to be stressful, traumatic and at times painful. But I knew I needed to get better and I was willing to suffer to find my health again.

You might ask how this situation relates to being in a relationship that isn’t as good as it could be, or where a couple is struggling. These two journeys are somewhat different, but parallels exist. In both cases, we are in a state of dis-ease and we are looking for healing or wholeness.

My Mantra

When I was at that clinic, I created a mantra, which I used to focus my intentions and attitudes.

Please help me find health.

Please help me be safe.

Please help me have courage.

Please help me hear the guidance of my higher self.

I silently repeated this mantra over and over. When I was getting a painful shot or sitting in a bathtub full of ice and ice water in an attempt to keep my fever from getting dangerously high, I would say this mantra to myself. I used it to ground myself. I used it to keep my focus clear. I used it to reassure and soothe myself.

A person in a failing relationship can easily get overwhelmed with distress, with feeling unsafe emotionally, with not knowing if they can get through the difficulties, with lacking clarity and not knowing which way to turn or how to navigate through the disruptions between themselves and their partner. Like my Lyme journey, a relational journey also requires courage, reassurance, guidance, safety and the desire for the relationship to return to health or wholeness.

I was lucky to have mostly kind staff and nurses, and the patients were silly and playful with each other. We created the support we needed amongst ourselves. Connection is another part of what gets us through difficult times. In a relationship that works, we have a connection that supports us through life’s challenges. But in a relationship that doesn’t work, often we do not have that safe connection with our partner.

It is painful when we fight, when we don’t know if our relationship will survive. It is painful to feel confused and not know which way to turn, or how to get an argument to turn into a more productive conversation.

How do we reach our relationship goals?

Yet our desires for a better relationship are achievable. We can learn how to create healthy emotional and relational selves. We can create safety in our relationship. We can find our courage if we have guidance. And we can learn to ‘hear’ the right way to go.

But without new information coming into our ‘system’, we often don’t know how to proceed.

WeConcile is a do-it-yourself online relationship course designed to teach you how to change your relationship and reach your relationship goals. It teaches you how to make your relationship safe and healthy. You can find your courage and become a full team with your partner. You will learn new ways of being that will open up new connections in your relationship. And unlike dealing with a major illness, you can enjoy the process of gaining more contact with, and understanding of your partner.

Recovering from Lyme disease is a long journey. Some of the people I went to that clinic with have passed. They were not able to defeat the disease. Others are still struggling. Some, like myself, are more or less, better. I never gave up. I sought to recover, to find new knowledge, new tools. It took many treatments, a clear focus on what I wanted, and continued courage and persistence. I was one of the lucky ones who found what I needed.

You are on your own journey. But a journey is just that – moving through terrain, from one location to another. Your journey can lead you to a place where you have the love you have always desired. Don’t give up on your dreams. It is completely doable to create a nourishing and peaceful relationship and the process of doing so is no longer a mystery. A science of love exists with the tools you need. You only need to choose to begin the journey of healing your relationship.

My book, The Magic Cake: The Seven Ingredients of a Relationship-Ready Person,” helps you understand how to become a person who can attract in a great relationship, https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TBMWQX2.

Our blog is filled with informative posts. This one gives a glimpse into a couple’s process of working out their relationship. https://blog.weconcile.com/2019/07/18/the-real-relationship-working-it-out/

Finding Our Rainbow: A Great Relationship

Finding Our Rainbow: A Great Relationship

I have an image of a rainbow arching across the horizon. Like the Star card in a tarot deck, it indicates to me, grace, blessings, and fulfillment. This can include having a great relationship.

How do we find the rainbow in our lives?

Maybe you already have?

We find our rainbow by focusing on beauty and truth. We find it by desiring it. We find it by keeping ourselves out of negative and dark thought habits. Often this means we have to tackle something in our lives. Like a job or relationship that isn’t nourishing. Sometimes we have to bridge two worlds, staying in something that is uncomfortable, as we learn to work with it and make it better – like molding a lump of clay into something with form, function and beauty. Other times we have to find a different attitude, like looking for what does work and what this situation does offer us. And still other times we have to leave that situation, job or relationship.

Often, we have to decide that finding our rainbow is more important than anything else. That means we make the journey to our rainbow our priority. That could mean any number of things including starting a meditation practice, reading books on relationships, getting into therapy, gaining a new skill, joining a gym, or beginning a hobby that nourishes us.

The experience of the rainbow comes from an internal place. So, we choose to grow. We choose to connect with our souls and own our stories. We choose to step into our courage and leave our fears behind. Finding our rainbow comes from having the courage to look at and love ourselves. It comes from making choices that show self-support.  It means we look for support and solutions.

That doesn’t mean there won’t be difficult times. Sometimes we may feel as if we are a small tree in the middle of the forest reaching upward, trying to get to the light. But even though the sky is far above, we keep our eyes on the light.

Being human isn’t easy for anyone. Being in a relationship also isn’t always easy. But being in a relationship should be a source of support in your life. It can be part of your rainbow experience.

What do you have to do in your life to find your rainbow? 

You can see the image of and read about the Star card here: https://labyrinthos.co/blogs/tarot-card-meanings-list/the-star-meaning-major-arcana-tarot-card-meanings

For another article on improving your relationship, check out “Toughing it Out” here: https://blog.weconcile.com/2014/02/03/toughing-it-out/