June 2019 - WeConcile

If you feel lonely in your marriage, often it is because you and your partner are not connecting emotionally.

Ask yourself:

Have you and your partner moved into a distant relationship to avoid fighting or is something else going on?
What am I avoiding talking about?
What am I avoiding asking for?
Do I acknowledge my need for emotional connection or just try to make do with what is?
Where have each of you put your attention and energy instead of towards each other?
Does one of you have a problem with vulnerable emotions?
Did something happen that caused you to pull away from your partner?
Have you avoided asking for your needs to be met in the past, and been disappointed by your partner not knowing what you needed?

Once you explore what you think is occurring, then you can take an action:

Set up a time to talk with your partner and bring up the hard stuff, your desire for more emotional connection, or events that have caused you or your partner to pull away from each other.
Tell your partner that you are feeling lonely (unhappy, etc.)
Be vulnerable, not accusing

Sometimes a partner will not be able to have this conversation or is not able to tolerate the emotions of sadness or grief. If this happens:

Make an appointment with a therapist
Take a relationship building course or workshop

As you tackle your relational issues, instead of feeling lonely in your relationship, it can become connected and alive.

Remember, if there is abuse occurring, get professional help. Do not try to talk it out without the help of a therapist.

Another post that might interest you is Learning To Reconnect. https://blog.weconcile.com/2013/04/01/learning-to-reconnect/

In addition to the WeConcile blog, You can also read more posts on relationships here: jenniferlehrmft.com and https://medium.com/search?q=jennifer%20lehr

Sometimes, from deep inside us, it emerges, almost unexpected – NO. No, I will not do that. No, what you are doing is not okay. No, I will not participate. No, I will stop myself from behaving that way.

When we find our ‘No,’ claim it and own it without anger, we are well on the way to being able to take care of ourselves emotionally

I remember years ago being someone who could not say no. As I learned to be able to say no, I had to have a reason. No, I cannot go with you tonight because I have plans. No, I cannot help you because I am already booked.

But saying “No, I am not interested in doing that, but thanks for asking,” was not yet in my vocabulary.

For some of us, saying no is easy. And for others, it is something that needs to be developed. Part of being in a functional relationship means that we can honor our own needs and wishes. If we cannot hold our own, we may end up feeling resentful, which can poison a relationship.

Perhaps the other person will get angry? Yes, that is possible, and that will undoubtedly have to be worked out. But ultimately, kindly saying no, is one of our rights and a necessary component of being able to work out a relationship. We are all different. We don’t always see things eye to eye. We have to be able to stand on our own two feet while also relating to another.

How are you with saying no? Can you say no without feeling angry or guilty? Can your partner (or family member or friend) hear your no?

What kind of support or relationship help do you need to be able to honor your own wishes? WeConcile Level 18 specifically focuses on boundaries.

Have a look at our WeConcile Testimonial Video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=sHNHRWbU5gw