wood fence depicting setting boundaries

Setting Boundaries: a Relationship Goal

Boundaries are difficult for many people. We often don’t understand them, or understand the difference between a unhealthy and a healthy boundary.

One way to think of this, is to see ourselves as a house with windows and doors. We have a right to shut and open our windows and doors as we wish or need. We do not have a right to make other shut or open their doors if they do not wish to.

In this short article we are going to look at the relationship between our anger and our capacity to say no.

Can you set a boundary (say no) to somebody when you are not angry?  Often, we can set a boundary if we are angry, but cannot if we are not angry.  We use anger to assist us because saying no isn’t so easy (for some of us).

Saying no when we are so mad we don’t care isn’t so hard. Caring and saying no at the same time is more difficult. The other person might get mad, their feelings could get hurt, or they might reject us.

Are you willing for someone to be mad at you when you set a boundary?

To set a non-angry boundary, we have to be willing to have the other be mad at us or have whatever reaction they have.  We have to take the position that something is not acceptable to us and we simply are not going to allow it.

Can you say no without being angry?  If you can’t, is it because your safety is endangered?  If that is the case, why are you in this relationship? (And get help.)

If that is not the case, you have some work to do around your fear of the other’s reactions.  What are you afraid of?  Why?  What part of yourself needs support so that you can overcome this fear?

You can learn more about healthy boundaries here.

You can learn more about how to use my writing to help you here.

WeConcile teaches it’s users about boundaries, what is and is not a healthy boundary, and how to set one.

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